Mansfield Fox

Law student. Yankees fan. Massive fraggle. Just living the American dream.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Now It Can Be Told: Liposuctioned Fat

Did you ever wonder what happened to all that fat that gets removed in liposuctions each year? Well, the answer came to me in a dream last night, and it may surprise you. No, it isn't turned into expensive soap by nihilist guerrillas. Nor is it destroyed by experts in biohazard facilities. Nor is it just poured down the drain.

No: the fat is being stored in a series of warehouses along the Mississippi River. You see, the nation is storing up fat for winter, preparing to hibernate, if you will. It's all part of a super-secret government program called Operation: Chipmunk, that's designed to protect us from the real threat, global cooling. In the event of a new ice age, the survivors will be re-injected with fat for insulation and fed primarily on a nutritious fat-based broth called Obiso Soup.

Fat, understand, is a very efficient method of calorie storage. But if that fat remains on the body, it can cause myriad health problems, not to mention unsightly love handles. We needed a way to produce large quantities of human fat, but then to get that fat out without destroying it. Thus, the iron triangle of Hardees, liposuction and Operation: Chipmunk was born. Americans are literally being turned into fat factories. It's like the Matrix, only quite a bit more gross.

Think about it: That's why we're encouraged to eat grotesquely large and high-calorie meals while simultaneously being told that the ideal human form has under five percent body-fat. That's why cable TV is littered with those repulsive but oddly watchable shows that document the plastic surgeries of celebrities and ordinary people alike. That's why diet and exercise just aren't enough.

Remember: the fat you save, may save you.